The Changing Shape of Desire

Editor’s note: This conversation isn’t going to get as explicit as it could, but it is going to get frank and detailed. If you’re not invested in the internal perceptions a trans woman has during sex, skip the post. There’s literally nothing else here.

When you start transition, no one sits you down to have a sex talk. No one warns you about the way that your body’s perceptions change, no one talks about how to access the physical sensations that you crave or how the way your fading dysphoria likely affected your attitudes toward and techniques during sex. After dealing with the medical establishment for the better part of a year and a half, I am sure this is simply because cis practitioners can not know.

Trans resources on the topic are thin as well. While groundbreaking queer porn can help, they are not so much technique as representation. My own journey involves so much fear and loss surrounding sex that it was only after I started following Zinnia Jones closely and reading/viewing her exploration of her own body’s changes that I’ve been able to talk myself up to the physical transition. I wish I had not waited so long, and I’m not going to repeat what everyone who makes it out of the closet realizes about what we do to ourselves.

Instead, I’m going to talk about the changing shape of my desire since coming out.

Gender and Orientation

My core sexual orientation has not shifted. I know people who report it has. I’ve always been leaning toward women, and I still do. One change I have noticed is that I no longer have any interest in pursuing relationships with men. Before coming out, I was bisexual/biromantic. Since then, I have been homoromantic/bisexual. I hook up with guys, but in my dating life I am a lesbian.

Some of this is no doubt related to the scars I have and not the transition. Shortly before starting HRT, I experienced a sexual assault, and I have yet to even hook up with a guy after that. But the fact is, my interest in pursuing real relationships with men faded before that incident happened.

I’m interested in seeing whether or not these changes revert, the way my desire for different sexual acts or kinks has ebbed and flowed over time. Especially since I still love watching men together and they still turn me on physically, they just don’t click with me past that point.

New vs. the classic Orgasm

The changing location of my pleasure on hormones has also affected the way my desire flows. I’m happy to report that I was a woman who taught my body multiple orgasms on testosterone. I’m even happier to report that on estrogen, they not only happen to be more natural, they don’t even use the same system. As my sensitivity moves out and away from what is between my legs, I am finding that riding peak to peak until I am exhausted does not involve any PC muscle discipline on my part or even direct stimulation to my original equipment.

What I have found, though, is that when these new erogenous zones are stimulated, it rarely engages my original equipment. In fact, it’s as if it gets turned off, and I’m not able to climax if I frustratedly pursue it. At the same time, though, if I begin in the old way and get excited first, then everything lights up, functionally, and the extra zones hit as well.

If I pursue the shape of the traditional orgasm, it is possible to have them both together. The challenge is, at the moment it only seems to happen alone. When I am with a partner, the system either works itself up to service top without reaching a peak, or else I am highly orgasmic but in the way that switches off my original anatomy.

Top Energy and Performance

In addition to the changing energy of my climax, I’m also noticing that there’s a marked difference between when my top energy rises and I feel like being dominant and penetrative with a partner and when I am reaching the kind of orgasm that allows me to feel complete and satisfied. This has led me to realize that my “switch” persona under T was an illusion–I am toppy, dominant, and very, very invested in being on the side receiving power during power exchange.

At the same time, the times I feel penetrative energy are the times I find myself least likely to be able to operate the old way. When I want to be inside a partner now, I want to use my hands. Even if I am using them to control a toy that looks fairly realistic.

What surprises me, though, is that when I receive, I am no more likely for the old anatomy to awaken. That performance is completely unrelated to where I feel in terms of what role I want to play in vanilla sex, and it actually seems to run counter to my kink energy.

Some Orgasms Are for Myself

The last thing that I have started to consider is the idea that transition has meant some orgasms are for when I am alone. While I can consistently summon an erection and sustain it whenever I choose to play alone, my partners have a hard time coaxing it and an even harder time making me finish, at least since I reached my goal level for estrogen. Before that, I was still consistently performing as I always had with partners, even though these new sensations began around the time I hit an E level of 80.

I have to wonder if moving into my Domme space for the first time has more to do with that than anything else. I am eager to figure out how to know. For now, though, it seems as if there might be some types of release that I do not allow a partner to provide, and it doesn’t seem to be happening on the level of conscious decision-making.

Wrap-up

I have no idea if these bumps in the road are fairly normal or if they are unique to my combination of autistic sensory issues, multiplicity, and transition. I have no way to know, really, since there are no solid resources that aim to document these things for understanding instead of doing so for the prurient gaze of cis people. I hope that reading about what life has been like for me in the 2 months since I achieved my goal level and during the six leading up to it will help you if you are on a similar journey.

I leave you with this. It’s me, reclining. If you want to see the uncensored photo, you will need to subscribe to at least the $10 tier on the Puzzlebox Collective Patreon.

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About Athena Monday 6 Articles
What happens when you take a group of kinky writers with an interior set of dynamics and a 24/7 approach and you give them a platform? They start to worry about their employers finding out about things. That's why the PBC writes all of our kink from a female perspective and under the name Athena Monday. You know it's one of us, but the question each time is which one?

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