OK, so it’s been a while since I was able to post, and I’m feeling really behind because of it. Fibro sucks, what more can I say? The good news is, the submissive I was writing about in the last part of this series wound up really hitting it off with me, and she is currently in her slave training collar. For the purpose of this blog and of our Patreon, let’s call her Mitten. (Incidentally, if you want to see more of myself, meaning Monday and Athena, as well as some naughty bits from Lynn and the Mitten, you should check out the Patreon. We’re starting to post video and pics in addition to our literary work and our erotica.)
Last time I talked about initiation, I said I didn’t think the Domme should open the scene the first time until they receive a sign of submission or power from the sub. In general, this is a practice I like to keep up even when I have a sub under collar. I’m learning it’s less important with a slave as I explore my first relationship as a full Domina, but when someone is not 24/7, I find it helpful to have an initiation ritual that involves losing power. Some examples of rituals I’ve used include:
- Sending a sub to clean and holding an inspection after
- Training with various toys, observed by the Domme
- Formally asking for the beginning of the scene
- Nonverbally, through the use of costume cues to let you know she has submitted
It’s not a complex thing, and it’s not like the submissive needs to stand in a cross and make eyes at you. She just needs to actually give you that bit of surrender. Once you have seen it, putting the dynamic into motion becomes your job.
Seizing the Moment
When you have received the signal, or when you are working with someone you have already collared and come to read very well, it’s a matter of taking initiative to initiate. That might seem circular, but the fact is that it holds true. Your job is to be the one that makes decisions and takes responsibility for the trajectory of the activity. That means you need to feel like the one making the decisions, and you need to have a clear vision for what you want to accomplish. If you haven’t managed to achieve that yet, then you’re not ready for the scene, and in that case it is time for you to take a step back and to ask yourself what you’re doing and why. That way, when you start, it will be with the clarity you need to really step up and take control.
There’s one last thing to consider when you are working with your sub to set up a scene, and that is the way you project your dominance and your confidence. BDSM is performative, and it requires you to put out energy to maintain the dynamic. For the sub, that usually means creating a receptive space and using your energy to follow through with your orders or to provide the reaction that communicates clearly to the Domme what is working and not working for you. If you are the one in the driver’s seat, you need to be able to convince the submissive that you are in control enough for it to be safe for them to submit, and you need to show her that she will receive what she is asking for.
Sometimes, that means being able to read between the lines. As a Domme, I’m incredibly versatile and able to shift between cruelty and humiliation and caring chastizement, with plenty of shades between. If you’re a dominant with a more established style, this means you might not be able to compel submission from everyone you’d like, because you’re not necessarily going to anticipate the form of dominance your prospective sub is most attracted to.
Listen to what she says she is looking for, but listen past what she says. Pay attention to the way she characterizes her past experiences, so you can tell when her fantasies have not lived up to the reality and a little bit about why. That will tell you when you are talking to someone who has not realized enough of her desires to have the vocabulary to ask directly for what she needs, and it will help you figure out what she is actually looking for. That way, as you negotiate, you can create an enticing presentation of yourself as a top to help ease that initial submission, opening the space you need to start the scene.