So I’ve recently started seeing a new prospective sub, and we have really been hitting it off like nothing else. Granted, I took a couple of weeks and really talked things out over email to make sure we were looking for the same things so that I knew we were going to be expecting many of the same things and working together in scene to achieve them. And, like any good slut, top or bottom, I took care to meet first in public, so that we could get a feel for each other before taking any chances alone. That gave us a couple of hours, as it turned out, because we hit it off well enough to spin coffee into dinner. That’s unusual for me when I’m negotiating for play, but I went with it–more communication is better, right?
Things stayed at conversation once we did meet up privately, though. Partially, this is because we have a lot to talk about, a lot in common. Partially, though, this is because of a problem I’ve noticed a lot in the BDSM community, both when I am slut bottoming and when I am flexing my dominance. The issue is one I rarely encounter with experienced high protocol players, but it is still common among newer people who are interested in protocol, so I don’t think it is just about the protocol. That problem is the conversation hump–the point at which you end negotiations and formally enter the scene. I’ve noticed myself that I have a hard time understanding when a new bottom is ready to move forward sometimes, and that can leave me unsure of exactly how to push forward–by asking more questions or by initiating.
Dominance and Intiation
Generally speaking, I’m not a shy Domme and I don’t have trouble initiating once a dynamic is up and running, but moving new people into scene can still be a problem for me, and I have noticed it can be for some other Dommes too. After trying my own comfort level out in a variety of situations and venues, I’ve come to the conclusion that, at least for me, initiation issues with new people are about reading the level of consent I am getting. Talking details about what someone wants is easy. Talking about fantasies is easy. Communicating in-scene is even easy once a dynamic was established.
Still, getting to the point where I feel like I’ve been greenlit to simply go is not easy for me. Some might point to the fact that I’m autistic and say that it is in that, but the fact is that I have seen too many other top-types get stuck here, so I don’t think it’s that. Besides, if it were that, then I would have a real problem working with autistic people, and the fact is that it’s easier for me to initiate with other autistics than with anyone else.
No, I’ve come to the conclusion that it is because initiation is not mine to own, at least not at first. You see, dominance is about care and control, and once you are in the space and operating, it should come naturally, but it is my belief that it shouldn’t necessarily come naturally before that space is established. There should be hesitation. You should be wondering whether or not it is time to start. You should be wondering whether or not you’re “allowed.”
Because no one has submitted to you yet.
Once you have an established dynamic, it is your place to set parameters and to communicate to the sub what they will be. It’s also your job to maintain the conversation and to be sure that you understand the evolving needs and boundaries of your sub. But none of that has happened yet, not if you have yet to move into the first scene. So it’s not really your place to open the scene, because you do not have a sub. You have a prospect, an open negotiation with someone who may choose to submit.
Your job, then, should not be to move in and take control, opening play. Your job should be to entice, inspire, and seduce. Your prospective sub needs to feel like submitting to you, and your entire goal should be to construct the glamour that allows for that, so that you can help ease them into the comfort and trust they need to feel before they will be ready to wave you forward. In that way, you can count on the start of play to be called clearly, and in a way that signals to you that when you step into that control position, you will meet with cooperation, even if it comes with further hesitation you need to calm.
Next: Putting this theory into practice with a sample glamour.